Trust

Yesterday, I had a conversation with someone who is a relative newcomer to AA and is struggling with the Second and Third Steps:

1. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
2. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

This person has been an atheist for many years, although he has an interest in quantum physics and metaphysics. I didn't ask him what his understanding of God was. Maybe he needs to rethink that.

He said that he is struggling with gaining Faith.

I replied that often it is not Faith that we struggle with, but Trust. Trusting that not only is there a Power greater than ourselves out there, but that if we turn our lives over to that Power, our lives will improve.

I've been thinking about the concept of Trust in that Power ever since.

In my understanding, that Power is Goddess. I don't struggle with Faith; I know that She is there. I do struggle with Trust: trusting that all will be well, trusting that She will be there when I need Her, trusting enough to let go of my need to control my life even while knowing that I cannot control it, no matter how hard I try. There are too many things beyond my control. And I have struggled through the Dark Night of the Soul, when there has been no response to my prayers to Her, no sense of Her presence, for months at a time.

It is hard to Trust that which you cannot see when you cannot trust those whom you can. How do you learn trust when the adults in your life did not protect you when you were a child? when people around you have proven themselves untrustworthy? How can you trust that everything happens for a reason when you cannot determine what that reason might be?

We get stuck in fear and forget to use what little faith we may have. We get stuck in our woundedness and forget to trust in the process of healing. We get stuck in that which is known and therefore comfortable, and choose not to move forward into the Unknown where healing and wholeness can be found.

Sometimes, the first step is to ask for the willingness to Trust.

Then you have to just close your eyes and step into the dark chasm and Trust that She will teach you how to fly.